Of Esther Earl and knowing the dead

This blog is not going to have so much in the way of funny.

Just saying.

Anyway, as most of my Nerdfighter friends know, we recently lost someone very special. Esther Earl died of cancer on the 25th of August. She was sixteen years old. To those of you who did not know who this girl was, it's a little hard to explain. Reason being, I didn't really know who she was either. I heard about her in a Vlogbrother's video, then forgot about her, and then watched another video regarding her death a few months later. Not exactly a lasting relationship.

Which is why I was extremely confused when I realized that I was in this odd state of depression for two days following the news that Esther had died. I asked a few people if they had any input and they all came up with the same answer. "Jessie," they would say. "Your father died of cancer two years ago. You're still hurt and this is reminding you of that. Calm down."

Yes, I agree, I'm still hurting. Yes, there has not been a day in two very long years that I have not thought about my father. Yes, there have been moments when I hit rock bottom that I wish I had been the one laying in that hospital bed, just so I wouldn't have to deal with this cluster of feelings every damn day. But I can very clearly remember not thinking about my dad in relation to Esther when I found out she died. I remember thinking "here was this really interesting, brave girl that I will never meet because she died. That really sucks."

And then I proceeded to cry for a while.

I eventually figured that the only way to remedy this was to try to learn more about Esther through the people that knew her personally, or knew of her. She was brave, empathetic, insightful, in love with Harry Potter (the novels. Not the character), hilarious, giving, and loving beyond reason. And I wanted that to be enough for me, but there was still something missing to this cold comfort.

It was around this time that I then started to watch Esther's youtube channel, as she had pretty well documented the last year of her life, being unaware that it was the last year of her life. Everything I had heard was true. But this time, I got to hear it from her own mouth.

Esther was so much more than I can describe. Not because she was an angel, or some heavensent saint. But because she was a person. In all her love, and laughs, and tears, and flaws, there was that certain special something that makes a person who they are. No one can put a name to it, but it is evident in everyone we've ever known. And it makes me really sad that I only have my small window of Youtube and sites to try to see Esther for the person she was, and continues to be in the people she left behind.

The windows that we see each other through seem to get smaller and smaller after we die. We idealize every death to the point where we forget the person that died. I've done this several times in the last few years, starting with my dad, then Sydney, then my uncle, and now Esther. I only bring up Sydney because I got to know her in much the same way that I've gotten to know Esther. Hearing about her through the girls I went to greif group with was a loving, if not inaccurate, method of getting to know someone. I learned every good and kind thing there was to know about Syd. But like with Esther, I'll never be able to see her for the person she was. Because I never really knew her.

Its a strange feeling, meeting someone after they die.

That being said, I feel like this is something that everyone goes through at some point. Whether its a movie star you loved, or a musician that rocked your world, or just some neighbor kid you kinda knew growing up but not really.

I've had a story idea in my head ever since Esther died, about a college graduate trying to get to the funeral of a girl he used to baby-sit. Its more about the feeling of knowing the dead, and what it means to live than it is about anything else, really. It may end up being my NaNoWriMo project this year, and if so, it's being dedicated to Esther. Not the most kind gesture, given the general suckiness that comes along with the NaNoWriMo writing process. But it really was inspired by her. I may post some of what I already have here on the blog. But we'll see if it comes to that.

Anyway, this is really long. If you've made it this far, great job. You have more attention than I do. Look up Esther Earl on Youtube if you get the chance. Thanks guys.

"Saying you love someone is a good thing."
-Esther.